Back to losing my mind, slowly.

It’s very hard to keep track of all the ways you can go slowly insane and lose your mind over stress and worry.

Just returned from an overseas business trip, where I spent time with somebody I’ve known for a few years now. The time spent with this person was some of the best of my recent life- I felt more alive and invigorated than I have in years, maybe even ever. It’s hard to say because I have been in such a cloud for so long- maybe I have felt that way before, but I’ve just been too numbed recently to recognize the feeling. I don’t know. Regardless, I now find myself pining away for somebody who is a foreigner in a far away land with time zones to complicate communication further. I spent nearly the entire plane journey back thinking of this person- between missing my kids. (I took a sweet picture with me of my daughter sleeping on my mother’s couch, clutching her favorite stuffed animal. That poor picture got dropped multiple times in multiple places.) The three nights I spent with this person were among three of the best nights of my life over the past few years- the conversations, though somewhat complicated by language barriers, were far beyond simply invigorating. The last night there was partly spent at a large party, where we drew many stares being there together. It was amazingly fun though to be there as “the date” and our presence there together made an impression on numerous people- the chemistry between us was obvious to everybody in the banquet hall. Afterwards, we went to the bar at my hotel to have a drink and continue talking- which we did for about another 3 hours. Saying good-bye in the parking lot of the hotel was momentarily awkward as neither of us wanted to say good-bye and neither of us really seemed to know how. We settled on a nice embrace- a hug that I can still feel.

The trip was further intensified by traveling the entire time with a group that included the love-that-was-to-be. It was painfully awkward at times, even though I have been doing so much better in recent weeks. I have gotten so much stronger, it seems, since the beginning of the year. However, it was still awkward. Listening to the constant conversations about and with the reunited lover just felt like getting kicked in the gut. Over and over and over. But, it was clear that I was not suffering alone. It was amazing how cranky and bitter my former love has become. Constant sniping comments and just overall bitterness made the trip uncomfortable for us both. During the trip, we had at least two pretty good “arguments” with each other when the other two travel companions/ coworkers were out of the room and we were alone. The good news is that we managed to get a few things out in the open and “cleared the air” a bit. It helped that my spending time each night with my new infatuation was a constant topic of discussion among the other two with us. It was childish and sophomoric, but it also caused hints of jealousy to appear with the former love. I have to admit that I enjoyed that on some level- I’m not too proud to admit that. Many things were said between us and I am proud of the fact that I held my ground and did not back away from my feelings or my beliefs during these confrontations. I didn’t buckle, like I normally would, and spoke my mind freely. It helps that I had somebody new to focus my attentions on who also makes me feel very confident and strong. It’s amazing what a little bolstering of the ego and self-confidence can do for you. On the last leg of the return flight, we were able to bury the hatchet somewhat and actually had a nice meal together and a good conversation. Our two partners were seated nearby, but not with us, so we had to be civil with each other, as we had witnesses. In the end, we actually had a good time- much like better days in the past. When I returned home I had already received an email from the former love. It was a little awkward- a thank you, an apology of sorts, a bit of an explanation of things, etc, but it was good to see this step unfold. I replied, still holding my ground, but agreed with the pluses and minuses and offered to work on improving things between us further. We’ll see if progress truly comes or not- there are a lot of exposed wounds on us both and many things to deal with still.

Now that I am back home, things just keep getting more complicated. The ex-spouse-to-be is not doing well. Health concerns are back and are looking bad. Though our marriage failed and my anger about our situation has been very high at times, I have never stopped being concerned about what is happening to the ex. It is so painful to witness what is happening from a distance and not feel included or trusted enough to help out. I am really without words on this. How can I help out when I am not trusted? I have offered an olive branch of peace so that I can help in some way- taking the kids more so that rest can be had. Anything that I am allowed to do to help. It’s very hard- the trust for us both has been destroyed over the past several months and years. Neither of us ever wanted to be in the roles we now play and neither of us ever thought it would even be possible, but here we are. I really am very torn by the situation. Do I want to remain married? No- that is gone for good and we both recognize that. Do I want to see anything happen to the ex? Of course not. I’d rather the ex live another 100 years and be around to witness and experience the kids growing up and be there for them. I’d like to think that the two of us would be growing able to have some kind of “working relationship” with each other over time. I know other people do it- some with worse backgrounds than us. I know it can be done, so I am hopeful that it is something we can do. I just hope that the health concerns mitigate and things improve dramatically. I’m very fractured by it all and really heartbroken- it isn’t just about me though, my concern is far greater for the ex and what this experience must be like for them. It’s a terrifying time and my heart just aches and breaks all over again each time I think of it.

So now I find myself in the midst of three different worlds at the same time; a new and gloriously complicated cross-global relationship, a much stronger and healthier frame of mind with the former love and now very deep and real concerns about the ex-spouse. It’s a potpourri of emotions and moods and thoughts and feelings. I float from elation to depression constantly and within minutes or seconds of each. Life is often far more complicated than we want it to be. Sometimes it is always more complicated than we want it to be.

At the moment, my life and my apartment are both a total mess- maybe if I spend some time cleaning my apartment today, I’ll feel better about my life too. It’s worth a try… I hope.

Been awhile… so , Happy New Year, I guess.

Not sure if the lack of posting here is good or bad. I guess it is likely both; things have been “better” lately, but I’ve also been wallowing from time to time. Things haven’t been perfect, not at all, but I think I’m coping better. I wish I was here posting all kinds of good news, but that just isn’t the case. That said, I’ve buried myself in some projects that I have been very happy with and proud of- things that are 100% my own. I am very proud of them and hope to keep them going. It makes me happy to be doig things that keep me energized and thinking of other things.

But… it IS New Years and I am sitting at home alone (not all bad though because I’ve been busy). The kids are in Cancun with the ex and the replacement me. I have only gotten a couple text messages and one inaudible voice message. I miss them terribly and keep thinking of them. Soon they come back though, but then I head overseas for a week.

I cooked myself a nice dinner tonight. It would have been so much better with somebody else to share it with, but that wasn’t to be. I’ve been feeling more and more like trying to make something happen- meaning that I feel less and less afraid of people and “dating”. I still worry like hell about what it all will mean to the kids when I do- not that the ex has that problem, clearly.

I guess I’m going to make it through this year after all. I don’t want to think of how 2008 could be worse because we still have two court dates already set up. It could get much worse before it gets better, but I am trying to remain optimistic. I am trying to stay open to the idea that things might just get better… I really have to believe that they will. I really do.

So, 2007- fuck off. 2008- welcome. Let’s make the most of the blessings we have. I know I want to try.

Damnit!

This week just sucked- straight up sucked. What sucks most is that it wasn’t all bad, just mostly bad… glass half shitty I suppose.

During the week, I had the uncomfortable email discussion with my boss about my terrible attitude at work and how I’m bringing the office down with my sour demeanor and the obvious tension with the former love. That was pretty heinous, but I got past it after baring a bit of the details with the boss- to which there was no reply. I made a valiant effort to rise above myself and have a better attitude- which worked to some degree since the former love was out of the office one day. And since I had my daughter this week, I had to leave work an hour early every day to pick her up from school. Small blessings, right? And I had to take Friday off since her school closed for the holiday. Another small blessing.

During the week, I had a number of great moments with friends- just very good conversations of support and commiseration. It was good to feel loved and cared for. It’s still very much a struggle to avoid the depression, but I’ve been doing a much better job of not drinking to avoid the sorrow- which has become so much more important to me when my daughter is around. I also got to have my son over one night this week too. He stayed one night and it really helped my daughter as well. I do believe that she struggles with being away from so much of her life when she is here with me; she misses her other parent, her brother, her dog and possibly even my replacement. It’s a lot for her to handle for a full week. The new family she has is more fun and less depressing, I’m sure, so I can understand why she misses it. Plus, it is the type of setting she was raised in, so it is natural that it would feel more like “home” to her than being alone with me for a week at a time. I’m trying to get over the hurt of that realization, which isn’t easy, and work harder to provide her a stable world with me that she can enjoy and want to be in.

I had a very special Christmas present planned for my daughter, for just the two of us. She loves music, dancing and ballet… and being treated like a princess… so I got us tickets to see the Nutcracker ballet. The day before, we both went and got our hair cut and she got to have her hair cut the way she wanted- which pleased her endlessly. But before that happened, the ex told her where we were going… spoiling the surprise that I had worked so hard to keep. I then called the ex back from my bedroom and got a little upset for blowing the surprise. The ex was in hysterics and thought it was terribly funny- no matter how I protested that it wasn’t and that I had, IN FACT, told them it was a surprise. I got one of those, “oh, lighten up” comments and then I hung up the phone. I then sent an email to their work and vented my anger which just unleashed a shit storm of name calling and finger pointing. In the end, it settled down, but the damage was done.

Yesterday, my daughter and I went to the Nutcracker- both of us dressed in our finest. We looked pretty good, I must admit. It was such a nice feeling to be doing something so special with her. I’m a sap that way. Unfortunately, she was in a crabby mood and wasn’t really in to being happy in the moment. She nagged and whined and complained the entire time. She sat in my lap for much of the ballet, squirming around and complaining that she wanted some popcorn and candy- as if the ballet was the movie theater. She was ready to leave before the second act began, but I convinced her to stay. She was headed out the door as soon as the ballet was done and the house lights came back on. Once we got to the car though, she began to tell me how she liked the ballet and that she’d had fun. We then went to dinner at her favorite local restaurant and had a nice time together. She was actually very well behaved and enjoyed the attention she was getting for being in her pretty gown. She looked like miniature royalty, after all. So the special day was a mixed bag, of sorts, but ultimately worth it all and hopefully formed beautiful memories for her.

Today though, the talk has turned to the trip to Cancun for Christmas with my ex, the replacement me and her brother. The poor thing is so excited she can hardly contain it. I am happy for her because she should be excited about the trip and about her good fortune. But, of course, my ego is wounded and the sadness is mounting all over again. I only have her for one more night before she leaves and goes to the best Christmas of her short life. Yes, the boat to Melancholy Island has set sail…

The would be lover is still being the same person- callous and unfeeling. I am so constantly shocked by the lack of compassion for the situation. I mean… we allegedly loved each other. People who love each other, or who even once loved each other aren’t supposed to act this way… right? I’m really not looking forward to going overseas and spending a week in very close proximity with them in just a little more than a week. I don’t want to play the anti-social roll, but I am planning to do as much stuff on my own as I can when we all get there. I’m hoping to get a chance to do some things with the rest of my travel companions… just not with the hearltess former love.

Tomorrow night is the traditional family gathering at my mother’s. Just my immediate family of siblings and their children along with the parents. I’ll have both kids, but then afterwards I drive them back to the ex, since they have to be at the airport before sunrise for their flight. So tonight is my last night with my daughter for a while. My son will come over tomorrow during the day. I’ll get a few hours to enjoy them before they leave on the best Christmas they’ve ever had- without me and with the new family.

I’m not melancholy at all… nope, not even a little…

Getting worse?

It’s officially getting worse- everything is; my depression, my relationship with my daughter (it’s too sad to be around me), the “relationship” with the other one, the divorce itself and now I am being told that my attitude and demeanor are having a negative impact on things at work and it has now become a problem.

I never ask “what next” or “how could it get any worse” because the universe has a way of answering that question for you. I know that my life could be much, much worse and I am trying to focus on accepting my blessings and trying to move on with my life. I really am. But at the moment, I feel like I am drowning and have nowhere to go for safety. It’s the worst time of year in my business to try and find a new job and the economy has been having a very negative impact on the business anyway. I just need to get through the holidays with my sanity intact and then I need to see a therapist and see about fighting this depression better because I’m currently losing the fight.

This morning, I can honestly say that I really don’t want to go to work. Possibly the first time I’ve ever been able to say that. Prior to now, I’ve always loved my job. Right now though, it’s a stinging hell. And now I have to change my ways or I risk losing my daughter as well- and not to the ex or her new partner, but to myself driving her away because I’m “no fun” to be around.

If there was ever a time to “snap out of it”, the time is now.

Almost there…

The office party is coming up and I’m going to be heading out of town to have some time away with my best friend- doing anything but dwelling on my life and feeling sorry for myself. I feel bad that I will not be there to offer moral support to my boss, the head of the company, or celebrate with the coworkers I do like. But I can’t handle the idea of what/ who will be there… I’d lose my mind.

Had a very painful series of email conversations with the ex this week too. Both of us are such wounded and cornered animals right now- lashing out when poked. Both of us end up falling to new lows or stooping to levels we just shouldn’t. It really sucks- as if the divorce itself wasn’t bad enough.

Booked the tickets for my daughter’s Christmas present; we’re going to see the Nutcracker ballet together- just the two of us. We’ll both get dressed up in nice clothes, go to the ballet (hopefully the seats are good) and then go to a nice dinner. I know she’ll enjoy the attention and the one on one time. She’ll feel like a princess and that’s exactly what I want. Maybe it will make me enjoy this Christmas finally. I sure hope it will.

That’s gonna leave a mark…

Well, today was one of the worst days of my adult life. Sat across from you-know-who all day and got to listen to all the stories about how they are looking at condos together and how the ex/ new love is even considering moving closer to you-know-who. How nice. How very fucking nice. No, really… it’s great news. Well, I’m assuming it is at least, since it was THE topic of discussion all day- at every opportunity. Two feet away from me, all day. In my face, all day. All day.

And all day I tried to drown out the conversations. All day I tried to run from my desk and go somewhere else. But then the conversations would start up again as soon as I returned… almost as if on cue… almost as if to rub my nose in the situation. I doubt it was that fiendish- just can’t see them having enough energy to pursue that- but it was certainly painful and repetitive.

At least, dear Lord, take your fucking personal/ private conversations elsewhere.  Especially when the conversation is on your damned cell phone. Walk away from our shared space and go whisper your honey-baby’s somewhere else… it’s a big fucking building. Show a tiny shred of courtesy and respect and just take it elsewhere. OK?

I spent the day biting my lip and watching the clock. It’s very clear to me now that if they don’t leave the company soon, that I will have to. I don’t have the strength to stay and fight for my space or listen to their ever-growing happiness without me. I’ve already, quickly, reached my saturation point. I’m doing my very best to avoid the big office blowout that leaves us both mortified and embarrassed, but I fear it might not be far off now. As long as I can make it through this week and past the office Christmas party, I might stand a chance. Might.

Without my daughter here with me, I can tell that this is going to be a very, very long week.

Mixed bag…

Had a good time with my daughter this weekend and the past week. It was nice to be able to have her around this week, as I went through all the things that would’ve been far more painful otherwise. It was a great week with her and I am lucky to have her in my life and to be able to love her and receive her unqualified love. She loves so sweetly and purely. I am blessed.

Around 10:00 this morning though, she decided that she wanted to go to her other home. She wanted to see her brother and her dog and my ex.  I wasn’t actually hurt by it, but it did sting a little. In all honesty I think it was because she was simply bored of being cooped up with me and the thought of doing chores spooked her off. I can’t say I blame her- I sure wanted to get outside too. With the cold and rain of the past few days, she was just stir crazy. I don’t blame her for needing a change of venue.

When I dropped her off, she hopped away to go play with her toys and run around the other home. Maybe if I buckled and got a Christmas tree and pretended to be interested in the holiday, maybe she would’ve been more interested in staying. I just have a hard time doing that right now… a very hard time. The ex looked good and happy. My step-son was not home, he apparently was at his father’s, so the ex was probably out all night either with the “friend” or the favorite sibling. I got out as fast as I could, giving my daughter a kiss and leaving as quickly as possible.

I need to get some new music to listen to.  I’m getting tired of either skipping songs or crying when I hear something that makes me think of the wrong person/s. Music is so very important to me and I have so many very deep emotional ties to it. Some songs just reduce me to a mess and others just anger me and others just leave me numb and unable to relate.

The “date” from last week and I have been emailing back and forth all week. It’s actually been fun and comforting. The date vs. friend conversation has been had and the air is cleared. It feels good to have a new person to just converse with. Sure, it’d be great to have a friend “with privileges”, but I doubt I could even handle that right now.

Going to try my best not to drink this week- or at least as little as possible and even less when alone. I need to be stronger than that and become more productive with my time. I have a lot of writing I need to do- a few different articles that need to be finished. I need to get back on my feet and use my brain for something other than moping around and being depressed. I need to break out the pen and writing journal too- it’s time to start working on getting more ink stains on my hands again. I’ll explore some new cafes and maybe meet some new people in the process too. Expanding my world a little at a time.

A message to you…

I wish I had the intestinal fortitude to simply tell you the thoughts that keep scrolling through my head all day and all night long. Thing is, I don’t want to hurt you- still- and I don’t want to make you feel bad or lose you for good, forever. Pathetically, deep inside, I recognize the fact that I am still clinging to the hope that one day you will see the error in your decision and come back to me. I can see that the main reason I am so angry with you is because I have not let go of you- I still look at you and want you, want you to want and love me too.

I can’t stop thinking of you reunited with your old love, moving on with your life and leaving me in the distance… like a car in your rear view mirror, getting smaller and smaller as you speed away down the road. Eventually vanishing from your site and from your thoughts.  I think of the two of you together, curled up in front of your fireplace, holding each other on these cold nights. Or you, at their home, eating a nice meal, having a laugh, enjoying the conversation and then embracing each other and heading off to the bedroom together. The agony those images causes is worse than anything I can possibly express to you.

I sense the tone in your voice some times, when you’re forced to have to speak to me, that just screams, “why don’t you just get over it and move on?” I don’t feel compassion in your voice or in your eyes, only annoyance and frustration. The fear of being “found out” just tears at you and makes you angry. I can sense it. I can feel it in your annoyed looks and pithy comments. All the while I resist the urge to cry or type an emotionally charged email to you. Pathetic.

Sometimes, the anger catches up with me and I just curse at you under my breath. Wishing you’d just go ahead and quit and leave. Hell, you’ve been unhappy with the job for months and months anyway and have talked about quitting… so do it already! But then I’ll just miss looking at you. So lame. I have a pretty clear idea of what I believe will happen- within 6-8 months you will be engaged or even married, you’ll move north to their house, you’ll sell your place and then use that money to live off of while you go back to school and get that Master’s degree you’ve been wanting for the past couple years. Maybe you’ll change industries, maybe you’ll go work for the same company as them (it’s their company anyway), or maybe the two of you will start a totally new company… maybe even the company you and I talked about starting. Wouldn’t that be nice for you?

I get so angry because I feel like you lied to me, like you used me, like you never really meant the words you said to me- like I was just a tool. A tool to get you over the hurt of the last love who destroyed your world and your strength. I helped you regain your confidence and belief in yourself so you could move on to going back to the one you really wanted all along. The one who broke your heart before because they are an emotional cripple. I know they see the error of their ways from before, but do you really think that they are going to be that different? If I care for you the way I profess to, I should want things to work out for you so you can live in happiness. But I’m just not that big of a person right now. I’m not ready to wish you well in your new life without me. Selfishly, I want this to blow up on you so you can feel the kind of hurt I feel.

Four years ago, I should’ve gotten this divorce, but I didn’t. I didn’t do it until I met you and felt strong enough to want to be happy and not live in an unhealthy marriage that bordered on abusive. I should’ve made the jump then and not now, but you gave me so much hope and told me that you wanted to hold my hands in my old age. You wanted to be with me and would live your life trying to make me happy. But that somehow changed with your impatience and fear of repeating yourself and getting re-hurt. So I pay the price for that, even though I turned an entire life upside down- and the lives of others in the process. Yet you’ve moved on to more familiar pastures. How nice.

At times I feel like I should scream at you and tell you that I held up my end of things, so where the fuck are you? Oh yes, I know where you are- fucking them and not me! That’s where you are. How nice for you. I’m sure they appreciate it too. Have you even told them about what you and I had? Oh that’s right, probably not- our delicate and complicated situation is something you are not proud of, since it goes against so many things you believe to be morally correct. And yet, you did it. You did become involved with me. You did make promises and pledges to me. And now you’re making new promises and pledges to somebody else. Somebody who actually DID hurt you before. Makes total fucking sense to me. Oh, no… wait.. it makes no sense at all!

And yet, in spite of all of this, I still love you and hurt for you and wish things were different and that you would love me again. Lucky me.

Wallowing.

I had a good great evening with my daughter tonight. I needed it too, as I filed the second set of divorce papers today and then had to go serve them to my ex-to-be and return to the courthouse to file the notice of service of summons. The day was far from “stress free”, but the evening with my daughter was so wonderful- dinner together (just the two of us) at her favorite local restaurant and then we walked back home and played cards and listened to music (a favorite past-time of ours). But in the end, after she went to bed, the melancholy darkness descended like a leaden cloud.

The problem is that I’m pining away for somebody who doesn’t want me. Still. I know I should move on, just as they have, but I simply can’t yet. I haven’t gotten over the grief of my failed marriage and now I’m grieving another relationship that I can’t have with another person I can’t be with. I find myself skipping through the songs on my iPod, seeking out the ones that fit my mood best- sad, sullen, dark, unhappy, perhaps a bit angry.

The office Christmas party next Friday just keeps looming out there, hanging in the air  like a sad pinata. The worst part is that I really want to go and offer my support to the head of our company, rather than adding a layer of “controversy” to what should be a great night for him to be happy and receive the warmth and thanks from the staff that he deserves. I feel a bit guilty about that, though I know he’ll understand. I’d love to think a certain somebody will be squirming uncomfortably in their seat during the evening, but I doubt that will happen since that person will be there with their rekindled lover.

I frequently find myself just wanting to scream. Sometimes I don’t even know what it is that I want to scream or scream about. The poetic irony is that an accident a few years ago left me physically unable to do so- my vocal chords or the muscles in my neck, I don’t know which, where injured in the accident and I am unable to raise my voice very loudly. Instead, a strange squeak comes out- almost like a  teenage boy during puberty, only softer and harder to understand. The irony is so rich, you practically trip over it.

Next Friday, during the time of the party, I think I am going to pay a visit to a favorite bar with a friend or two and see if I can’t have a good time and maybe even meet some new people. I’d be thrilled to just meet somebody willing to pay attention to me. Sure, it’d be great to meet somebody who wants to take me home and jump me too, but I’d settle for somebody who finds me interesting or entertaining or funny or… worth trying to spend more time with. Thing is, I know I’m not ready yet- not for anything really real. Not yet. Not now. But I need something. Something to distract me and make me feel like a human again. I need to really feel alive again and not like I’m slowly dieing, but staying alive and awake enough to watch every second of it.

Trying to remember my blessings- and not just my daughter.  My step-son is struggling to relate to me now. I’m struggling with not trying too hard to grab ahold of him and keep him from fading away. But I know he still loves me and misses me. That’s a blessing- to be loved and missed and not forgotten. I’m also lucky that things are not worse. So far, the ex and I have managed to keep lawyers out of our divorce- even though it feels like they are circling over our collective carcass. I still have a job that I love, even if the current conditions make me ache from head to toe all day. I’m trying, I swear, to be mindful of little blessings each day. I know that I am loved by friends and family. I know that there is nobody, to my knowledge, who actually wishes me ill will. I’m lucky, in the grand scheme of things. I see it and know it.

My main motivation to pull up out of this nosedive is my daughter. She needs me to be strong- not just now, but always. I want to live up to that and am doing my best to “snap out of it”. She’s the greatest blessing I have in this world and I have to find the strength to repay her love by being the parent she needs me to be.

I’m trying.

Silver Lining

Spent much of the evening with the ex working on more divorce paperwork. The good thing is that it went really smoothly. It was, dare I say it (for the circumstances)… enjoyable. Our daughter really enjoyed having both of us around at the same time too. She understood that it was a temporary thing, telling me about it on the way home from her school this evening- “just for tonight, not like being married“.

So tomorrow I head back to the family court to go file another set of papers and move that much closer to being divorced for the second time. What a milestone to achieve. I spoke to my mother for a while tonight and let her know that I was still alive, but I gave her a lot of the truth- more than she probably wanted. Being somebody who went through divorce herself, I know she understood a lot of the things I was expressing- the sadness, the sense of failure, the melancholy, the desire to no longer be alone and lonely. But now, I fear, she’s worried about me. That wasn’t my intention at all. Also spoke with my uncle briefly today and did much the same thing- confessed my sadness. I’m hoping that by admitting it to people other than myself, that I’ll start to make improvements and force myself to address things better and draw upon the support that is out there for me.

The work situation does not really feel like it is improving at all. The sound of that voice just kills me. Looking at that face all day just reduces me to a spineless fool. I float between sadness and anger all day long. One second I just want to scream my anger at them and watch the squirming. The next second I just want to beg them to take me back-  “I can change… I can be who you want… just love me again!” Thing is, I know I would take them back in a second. I keep hoping that I will get an email or phone call or just a smile in the hall. I feel so pathetic knowing that I would not say no. I am grasping the realization that my anger stems from my continued love, as if screaming “don’t you know what you are doing to me and yet I still love you?!” Even more pathetic is the fact that I’ll be skipping the office party next Friday so I won’t have to see them there with their new/ old love. Reunited and happy. The idea of it makes me feel nauseous.  The “pathetic” part is the hope that I will be missed and that I’ll get a call begging me to come join the rest of my coworkers. Or better yet, that they’ll be there alone… hoping to see me. I know that won’t happen, but it makes me feel slightly less stupid. Gotta take what I can get, right?