Decided to start another blog and see if I actually use it… unlike the other blogs that are unrelated to my main blog that I never update.
I cried my eyes out tonight while doing the dishes. I just lost it. I’ve known it was coming for some time now and even thought for a second before I started, “wow, I’m losing it”… turns out I was right.
I’ve been waiting for it to happen. I’ve had plenty of smaller cries over the past several months, but this was the one where I sobbed so hard I couldn’t see and I babbled to myself with booger bubbles in my nose, begging God to hear me. Hell, typing all this, I feel myself welling up again. Maybe I’m done for the night… maybe I’m not.
Divorce really sucks. Since this is number two, you’d think I’d be better prepared for this- but alas, I am not. Having a child involved only makes it worse. I love her so much and am so scared of losing her. My ex-to-be has already introduced my replacement to my daughter and though I knew it was coming, I didn’t know it was coming NOW.
The person I thought I would get to love is now gone too. Now I’m truly all alone. Sucks. I never thought I’d be doing this either- babbling away with a stream of woe-is-me crap… but here I am. Hence this new blog. Somewhere to come get this stuff off my chest and hopefully avoid more painful episodes while doing the dishes.
I decided that all I really want is to be loved- big surprise. I just want to find somebody who will love me for who I AM and not who I could be or should be or have the potential to be. I want somebody who will take me as I am and not pick me up as a project- I don’t want to be fixed up like an old house with a good foundation, but needing a total tear down. I believe I am a good person and that I shouldn’t have to be put through the ordeal of being made to submit to what somebody else needs. I don’t ask that of who I am with, so why does everybody I find myself with ask it of me? No, not even ask- demand.
I just want to be happy. I just want to be loved- for who and what I am. I just want to be the best parent I can be to my daughter. I fear so much that she could be taken from me. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t know what kind of shape I would be in. She’s the main reason I try to hang on. Without her, I fear I would feel like I had nothing left to fight for. Sad to feel that way.
I never believed I’d get to this point- depression is the word I believe they usually use. Wow. Seems pretty full blown at the moment. Dang. I do believe there is hope though, so maybe that’s the difference. I do see bright spots from time to time. They tend to be fleeting, but they are there just the same.
Well, we’ll see if I manage to come back and update this thing. Maybe I’ll have brighter, happier moments I feel like talking about. That’d be nice.
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