I have to admit that it was very hard to be thankful today. I tried though, I really did. What was hardest was listening to my daughter talk about my ex’s new “friend” and how they will be going away for Christmas together… like a little family. I can not express how much those words tore at my soul. Pretty melodramatic, I know, but it really did suck the wind out of me and reduced me to another wreck. My family all stared at me, unsure if I knew anything about this “vacation” or the new person in my daughter’s life- which I did/ do. Still, it was very hard. Very. The other truly suck-ass part of the day was not getting to see my son. Yes, truthfully, he is my step-son, but he and I have been together for the past 11 years and he’s only 15. To me, he’s my son. He chose to spend time with his grandparents and cousins, rather than have to deal with the growing weirdness between my ex and I- that’s my theory at least.
As my daughter and I drove away, to head home, I began to cry again. She couldn’t see or tell, but it was all too real to me. Again. I’m really getting tired of crying. I’m really getting tired of feeling like this. Can’t say I don’t deserve it to some degree, but it sure does suck. I think it’s fairly safe to say that “depression” has set in.
The person I’d like to have be a part of my life is unavailable to me now. Not ready. Not able to deal with my messy life. Dealing with their own problems and baggage. A perfect storm to keep us apart. Perfect. Lovely. Damnit.
All I really want is to be happy. Yadda, yadda, yadda… same rant again. Oh well, at least I’m finally mastering “staying on message”. Eventually that skill will come in handy… right?
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