Spent much of the evening with the ex working on more divorce paperwork. The good thing is that it went really smoothly. It was, dare I say it (for the circumstances)… enjoyable. Our daughter really enjoyed having both of us around at the same time too. She understood that it was a temporary thing, telling me about it on the way home from her school this evening- “just for tonight, not like being married“.
So tomorrow I head back to the family court to go file another set of papers and move that much closer to being divorced for the second time. What a milestone to achieve. I spoke to my mother for a while tonight and let her know that I was still alive, but I gave her a lot of the truth- more than she probably wanted. Being somebody who went through divorce herself, I know she understood a lot of the things I was expressing- the sadness, the sense of failure, the melancholy, the desire to no longer be alone and lonely. But now, I fear, she’s worried about me. That wasn’t my intention at all. Also spoke with my uncle briefly today and did much the same thing- confessed my sadness. I’m hoping that by admitting it to people other than myself, that I’ll start to make improvements and force myself to address things better and draw upon the support that is out there for me.
The work situation does not really feel like it is improving at all. The sound of that voice just kills me. Looking at that face all day just reduces me to a spineless fool. I float between sadness and anger all day long. One second I just want to scream my anger at them and watch the squirming. The next second I just want to beg them to take me back- “I can change… I can be who you want… just love me again!” Thing is, I know I would take them back in a second. I keep hoping that I will get an email or phone call or just a smile in the hall. I feel so pathetic knowing that I would not say no. I am grasping the realization that my anger stems from my continued love, as if screaming “don’t you know what you are doing to me and yet I still love you?!” Even more pathetic is the fact that I’ll be skipping the office party next Friday so I won’t have to see them there with their new/ old love. Reunited and happy. The idea of it makes me feel nauseous. The “pathetic” part is the hope that I will be missed and that I’ll get a call begging me to come join the rest of my coworkers. Or better yet, that they’ll be there alone… hoping to see me. I know that won’t happen, but it makes me feel slightly less stupid. Gotta take what I can get, right?
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