Had a good time with my daughter this weekend and the past week. It was nice to be able to have her around this week, as I went through all the things that would’ve been far more painful otherwise. It was a great week with her and I am lucky to have her in my life and to be able to love her and receive her unqualified love. She loves so sweetly and purely. I am blessed.
Around 10:00 this morning though, she decided that she wanted to go to her other home. She wanted to see her brother and her dog and my ex. I wasn’t actually hurt by it, but it did sting a little. In all honesty I think it was because she was simply bored of being cooped up with me and the thought of doing chores spooked her off. I can’t say I blame her- I sure wanted to get outside too. With the cold and rain of the past few days, she was just stir crazy. I don’t blame her for needing a change of venue.
When I dropped her off, she hopped away to go play with her toys and run around the other home. Maybe if I buckled and got a Christmas tree and pretended to be interested in the holiday, maybe she would’ve been more interested in staying. I just have a hard time doing that right now… a very hard time. The ex looked good and happy. My step-son was not home, he apparently was at his father’s, so the ex was probably out all night either with the “friend” or the favorite sibling. I got out as fast as I could, giving my daughter a kiss and leaving as quickly as possible.
I need to get some new music to listen to. I’m getting tired of either skipping songs or crying when I hear something that makes me think of the wrong person/s. Music is so very important to me and I have so many very deep emotional ties to it. Some songs just reduce me to a mess and others just anger me and others just leave me numb and unable to relate.
The “date” from last week and I have been emailing back and forth all week. It’s actually been fun and comforting. The date vs. friend conversation has been had and the air is cleared. It feels good to have a new person to just converse with. Sure, it’d be great to have a friend “with privileges”, but I doubt I could even handle that right now.
Going to try my best not to drink this week- or at least as little as possible and even less when alone. I need to be stronger than that and become more productive with my time. I have a lot of writing I need to do- a few different articles that need to be finished. I need to get back on my feet and use my brain for something other than moping around and being depressed. I need to break out the pen and writing journal too- it’s time to start working on getting more ink stains on my hands again. I’ll explore some new cafes and maybe meet some new people in the process too. Expanding my world a little at a time.
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