Damnit!

This week just sucked- straight up sucked. What sucks most is that it wasn’t all bad, just mostly bad… glass half shitty I suppose.

During the week, I had the uncomfortable email discussion with my boss about my terrible attitude at work and how I’m bringing the office down with my sour demeanor and the obvious tension with the former love. That was pretty heinous, but I got past it after baring a bit of the details with the boss- to which there was no reply. I made a valiant effort to rise above myself and have a better attitude- which worked to some degree since the former love was out of the office one day. And since I had my daughter this week, I had to leave work an hour early every day to pick her up from school. Small blessings, right? And I had to take Friday off since her school closed for the holiday. Another small blessing.

During the week, I had a number of great moments with friends- just very good conversations of support and commiseration. It was good to feel loved and cared for. It’s still very much a struggle to avoid the depression, but I’ve been doing a much better job of not drinking to avoid the sorrow- which has become so much more important to me when my daughter is around. I also got to have my son over one night this week too. He stayed one night and it really helped my daughter as well. I do believe that she struggles with being away from so much of her life when she is here with me; she misses her other parent, her brother, her dog and possibly even my replacement. It’s a lot for her to handle for a full week. The new family she has is more fun and less depressing, I’m sure, so I can understand why she misses it. Plus, it is the type of setting she was raised in, so it is natural that it would feel more like “home” to her than being alone with me for a week at a time. I’m trying to get over the hurt of that realization, which isn’t easy, and work harder to provide her a stable world with me that she can enjoy and want to be in.

I had a very special Christmas present planned for my daughter, for just the two of us. She loves music, dancing and ballet… and being treated like a princess… so I got us tickets to see the Nutcracker ballet. The day before, we both went and got our hair cut and she got to have her hair cut the way she wanted- which pleased her endlessly. But before that happened, the ex told her where we were going… spoiling the surprise that I had worked so hard to keep. I then called the ex back from my bedroom and got a little upset for blowing the surprise. The ex was in hysterics and thought it was terribly funny- no matter how I protested that it wasn’t and that I had, IN FACT, told them it was a surprise. I got one of those, “oh, lighten up” comments and then I hung up the phone. I then sent an email to their work and vented my anger which just unleashed a shit storm of name calling and finger pointing. In the end, it settled down, but the damage was done.

Yesterday, my daughter and I went to the Nutcracker- both of us dressed in our finest. We looked pretty good, I must admit. It was such a nice feeling to be doing something so special with her. I’m a sap that way. Unfortunately, she was in a crabby mood and wasn’t really in to being happy in the moment. She nagged and whined and complained the entire time. She sat in my lap for much of the ballet, squirming around and complaining that she wanted some popcorn and candy- as if the ballet was the movie theater. She was ready to leave before the second act began, but I convinced her to stay. She was headed out the door as soon as the ballet was done and the house lights came back on. Once we got to the car though, she began to tell me how she liked the ballet and that she’d had fun. We then went to dinner at her favorite local restaurant and had a nice time together. She was actually very well behaved and enjoyed the attention she was getting for being in her pretty gown. She looked like miniature royalty, after all. So the special day was a mixed bag, of sorts, but ultimately worth it all and hopefully formed beautiful memories for her.

Today though, the talk has turned to the trip to Cancun for Christmas with my ex, the replacement me and her brother. The poor thing is so excited she can hardly contain it. I am happy for her because she should be excited about the trip and about her good fortune. But, of course, my ego is wounded and the sadness is mounting all over again. I only have her for one more night before she leaves and goes to the best Christmas of her short life. Yes, the boat to Melancholy Island has set sail…

The would be lover is still being the same person- callous and unfeeling. I am so constantly shocked by the lack of compassion for the situation. I mean… we allegedly loved each other. People who love each other, or who even once loved each other aren’t supposed to act this way… right? I’m really not looking forward to going overseas and spending a week in very close proximity with them in just a little more than a week. I don’t want to play the anti-social roll, but I am planning to do as much stuff on my own as I can when we all get there. I’m hoping to get a chance to do some things with the rest of my travel companions… just not with the hearltess former love.

Tomorrow night is the traditional family gathering at my mother’s. Just my immediate family of siblings and their children along with the parents. I’ll have both kids, but then afterwards I drive them back to the ex, since they have to be at the airport before sunrise for their flight. So tonight is my last night with my daughter for a while. My son will come over tomorrow during the day. I’ll get a few hours to enjoy them before they leave on the best Christmas they’ve ever had- without me and with the new family.

I’m not melancholy at all… nope, not even a little…

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